Down the Rabbit Hole

As I’m laying propped up on my bed with my cat across my chest, cradled in my arms, my mind begins to relax. With the rhythmic stroking of my hand from my cat’s chin to her little pot belly, I fell deeper and deeper.

I started a rough draft of this post in my head. Then I started editing it, and kept on editing it in my head until it finally came out under my fingers onto this screen.

I drifted into nothing for a short bit, and then I started thinking about my mother. How maybe in reading this post, she might come to understand this strange ability I have to lie and manipulate so well.

(This is the point I got to in my head. Everything else from here is new.)

And I want her to understand that my actions and behavior are because of her, but not her fault one bit.

I think about the weirdness of my brain, lost in trying to understand my own thought patterns and behaviors. And I think about how much worse it could have been, how cruel and evil a human being I could have been, if I didn’t have the family I have.

My father taught me honesty, wisdom, and that there is a better sort of man in the world to love.

My mother taught me strength, creativity, social cues, and how to be a functional adult.

My aunt and uncle taught me humor, fun, generosity, friendship, and gave me guidance.

All of them taught me love, kindness, compassion, supported me, cherished me, and above all, taught me the meaning of “family”.

I’ve been extremely blessed? lucky? not sure, but it’s a good thing. I’ve had an amazing number of good people in my life, so many more than I could ever call out in a blog post.

And yes, there have also been bad, but when I think about it on a broader scale… like, and actual measuring scale… the good does outweigh the bad.

I’m going to hold onto this thought and feeling as tightly as I can. It helps keep that flame of life inside me burning brightly.

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Who am I? I'm really not sure anymore. But I want to find out.

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